Mia II

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It was love at first sight.

( 1st pic of Mia II at home)

Anita and I were out running errands and as she went to Bed Bath and Beyond, I went a couple stores down to PetSmart to get a bag of dry cat food for our two cats, Z, aka Mr Zeepers and Jazz, aka Kitty Kitty.

(Z aka Mr Zeepers)

(Jazz, Aka Kitty Kitty)

Well you can't walk into PetSmart without looking at the cats they have available for adoption. I scanned the windows and boom, there she was. The world stopped. My eyes were gazing on the most beautiful creature.

She didn't have much interest in me or anything, relaxing in her little cubicle.  I didn't even look at her name or bio, I just knew I had to have her. I snapped a photo with my cell phone and sent it to Anita, saying, "you've got to come see this cat." And while she was responding, "I'm in the checkout I'll be there shortly." I was already texting, "this cat is coming home with us."

By the time Anita arrived, I'd paid the $50 fee and was purchasing a pet carrier to transport Mia home. We call her Mia II because Anita had the original Mia, a beautiful white long haired cat.

(Anita and Mia)

Mia II had been "surrendered" by her previous owner. She was four years old which was the same as Mr Zeepers. We got home and let her out of her carrier. We soon gathered that she didn't like to be held and the other two cats came to investigate the newbie. Mia scampered off into our spare bedroom and into a closet. I set her up in that room with her own litter box, a food and water dish. The other cats didn't pursue or seem to care much.

Mia spent three weeks in her own room. Occasionally venturing out when we were all relaxing in the living room watching some prime time show on TV, the other cats resting on the couch with us. Mia would look around the corner, she was so small and so quiet. Like the poem by Carl Sandberg, "Fog."
"Fog rolls in on little cat feet."

She'd survey and if nothing was moving, she'd inch into the room, checking in all directions. We'd notice and if anyone moved, she'd go back to her room. We wanted her to join us. So we learned to not even breathe heavy.

Gradually, she made her way onto the back of the couch and if we moved, once again she'd scamper away. But little by little she got used to her new surroundings, even joining us out on the screened deck I'd built and that the other cats loved to go on and watch and listen to the many birds in the back yard.

(Mia loved to bask in the sunlight)

When Mia was finally pretty well situated, we moved... Our little family of Anita and I, with a dog and three cats packed up and moved to a much larger home on a lake. As the furniture in the old place disappeared over a few days, the cats were wondering what in the heck was going on so we decided to just bring them out to the new place and we figured Mia would find a closet and be out in a week or so. But much to our surprise, on the first evening after unpacking some of the stuff, while relaxing in the living room, all three cats were lounging about with us, like they'd been there their whole lives. We were relieved.  Mia was finally in her forever home. In fact, all three of them were as well as Scarlett the best ever Black Labrador. (Anita always says I bought the house for her and chose the yard for Scarlett, whose absolute most favorite thing ever was "get the stick" tossed in the lake.)

Much as I do with my wife, I never lost the joy my heart felt admiring Mia II.  She was quiet and had some quirks like we all do. She didn't want to be held but loved to curl up next to me. She loved to be pet and she followed me to bed every night and would purr in my ear, wanting attention.

Mia II was our special needs child/furbaby.  She had seizures and bounced off furniture and walls like a pinball. We tried medications and paid good $$ to find relief for her, but it wasn't until we stopped giving her flea treatment that her episodes became few and far between. At their peak, she had three in one day. She had them usually about three times a week. She'd be sleeping peacefully and the next minute she'd look like an acrobat flying around the room. Winding up in a heap pulsating with gagging sounds violently. We'd cover her with a blanket until she recovered. Her pupils would be dilated and any movement or sound was amplified and caused her to jerk in reaction. She'd meow and walk around re-familiarizing her self then find her food bowl and chow down a bit then find us and want some attention. It was one of the rare times you could pick her up and hold her.

She never liked to feel trapped in any way shape or form. Holding her was one. She would wait and use the litter box at night when everyone else was asleep. We'd hear her and on the rare occasion it was in the day, if another cat walked in or we walked by, she'd fly out of the litter box like a bolt of lightning. She'd tend to that business later.  I often said maybe we should have named her Squirt, because she'd squirt by like a flash of light. We don't know what happened in her previous life. If she experienced some trauma that caused this behavior and or her seizures.  We just loved her and appreciated the loveliness she added to our home.

She was the smallest of our cats and the quietest, except her purr. She had the loudest purr. Like a diesel engine. It was comforting, soothing. She and Anita, with those beautiful blue eyes and quiet demeanor were so therapeutic for me, Mr Fearless and Chaotic was learning to appreciate, "chill."

Mia would always seek to be near me. She'd bounce from one couch to the other if I moved across the room. She'd lay on the couch part nearest me if I were eating a meal at the table. She'd curl up next to me, I think her absolute favorite place to be, if I were on the couch. She'd follow me into the kitchen, morning, noon and night. As though I went in there for the express purpose of getting her favorite treat. If I were busy preparing a meal, she'd wait patiently, tail wrapped around her feet and haunches. When I'd head for the fridge, she let out a "Mayo." "Maaaayo." Which eventually became, "MAY-O!"
She wanted her little dab of mayonnaise. Hah, who'd ever heard of a cat wanting mayonnaise? I offered salmon and tuna juice, ham and cheese. All the things the other cats liked. Nope, not Mia, she wanted her Mayo. Anita would snicker from the other room. And yank my chain about "somebody" having me trained.

Scarlett passed in December of 2016.
Kitty Kitty passed in February of 2017.
Mr Zeepers passed in September of 2017.

Here are the earliest photos of them.

  

So for a short while, Mia II was an only furbaby/pet/child.

But Anita was grieving her Mr Zeepers who died without warning on September 8th, from the same tragic Saddle Thrombus, within weeks I couldn't stand to see Anita grieving so much and I had to remedy the issue.

Ever the fixer am I... On Sept the 17th we got...

(MoonDance and SugarFoot, aka Jack and Diane.)
from F.U.R.R. in Charlotte

Mia was accepting of the new housemates... In her special way, she comforted their intrusion into her uncomplicated life.

So yesterday, Mia's last day as a soothing part of our household, I was absolutely wiped out. I'd missed breakfast because early yesterday morning Mia suffered, as did Mr Zeepers, from a sudden and deadly Saddle Thrombus. I thought I could get her to the vet quick enough to save her. Her feet were cold and her gums were blue. She was dying rapidly after we arrived. The vet put a heating pad on her and she expired peacefully. I was home and making lunch at 2pm. We had supper at 430pm. I showered and sobbed throughout the day. My eyes were blood shot and dry. I couldn't pay attention to what was on TV or read. I went to bed at 8:45pm.

I was up this morning at 3:45am. Missing Mia. I fed the two cats who now get a can of wet food split two ways instead of three. I picked up the one thing that was exclusively used by Mia, a scratch pad. It was gouged out on catty-cornerd ends as was her habit.

It amazes me how the quietest and smallest of things seem to make the biggest impact. I'm crying again this morning, not by choice. I'd rather be over the grieving. I miss my little Mia. I wish I could have done something to save her. Anita says I did, that I gave her the best years of her life. I understand and accept that. I just hurt. I hurt deeply. I didn't know this would be my response. I didn't grieve as fiercely with the others. Possibly with Scarlett. But with Scarlett I'd made a decision about her quality of life and chose her end. It was loving and responsible. This was unexpected and sudden.

I'm in shock. Once again my eyes are bloodshot and at times I can barely breathe.  My chest feels a void as it heaves in anguish. My throat is wanting. wanting to call out her name and see her come padding towards me. She always responded to my calls. Always...

Not any more...


I write for therapy primarily. You put a period at the end of a sentence that expresses a thought/feeling and usually you can move on.

I wanted to write today to give justice to Mia and the impact she had on my life. She hit me like a wrecking ball and enhanced my life. When she sought my affection I felt successful and grateful.
If another cat wanted to tussle with her, I'd defend her and run them off. She was kind and gentle. She wasn't a fighter. If another cat wanted to hog her food, she'd let em. I'd notice and make up for it. But I learned to stand guard while she ate and fend off the others. No bullying in my house. Not on my watch. I'd grown up with that crap. Nothing irks me more than a bully.

So, on this cold winter morning, my first without Mia, a fog is fading on the lake as the sun wrestles to break through the gloomy clouds and warm this day. I begin to let go, here, now, as I write. Knowing I did all I could to give Mia all of me and she gave to me her precious life and love.

Others need attention...

But Mia... You'll always be the star of my show... forever 💓💓💓💓

You simply take my breath away

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Mama Mia 2018 the year of LOSS

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Sometimes you feel like life has just punched you in the gut.

It's already been a very trying year. Loss seems to be the legacy 2018 desires.

I'd been feeling like I was in a good place. The one good loss was that I've just recently lost 28 pounds in about 40 days by doing a keto/low carb type diet. Mentally I'd processed the previous issues and was beginning to comprehend and absorb the silver linings. I was free from some things and better prepared to meet the needs of other things.

But that small ache that persists told me the impending doom that's known me forever still had something for me this year.

So with just 21 days left in the calendar year, a normal morning of get up, weigh myself and send in my report via some new gadgets and an app from the VA hospital weight loss program, fire up the fireplace to knock the chill off, turn on the coffee maker, prep Anita's tea, feed the cats their daily wet food which they're always anxiously awaiting, pour coffee, take medications, have a seat and proceed to check emails, social media, watch the news and debate breakfast or exercise first.

All seemed quite normal. Then....

Mia let out one of those familiar cat low and slow morning meows, a yowl. The other cats went on high alert. Anita came out of the bedroom and I was on my way towards the alarm. Mia was in the litter box. She came out, the other cats gave her a sniff and all seemed okay. False alarm.

Then Mia did it again. She's done this over the eight years we've had her. She's 12 years old now. It used to indicate she was about to have a seizure. Those have been few and far between this past year since we stopped putting the flea control stuff on her.

Lately she's made this mew when about to yack up a hair ball or just spit up her food.

She walked a bit, then just settled into a crouch and started the yowling again. I prepared with a blanket to cover her in case she was having a seizure to prevent her from injuring herself. Poor thing would run and bounce off things like a pinball and then lay in a heap having a grand mal seizure. She'd come out of those, re familiarize herself with the house, eat and then want some attention.

This time she wasn't happy about the blanket so I took it off her and she walked into the bedroom, crouched again and was panting.

Shit.... I've seen this before. Our Mr Zeepers had just passed away last September due to a condition called Saddle Thrombus which has the symptoms Mia was displaying.

Mia wobbled a bit when she attempted to walk again and she was still yowling and was having obvious breathing issues. I was thinking a heart attack. I thought I was going to have to do CPR on her. I put Anita's bi-Pap mask on her to help force some air but Mia didn't like it so I just grabbed my wallet and keys, put her in a pet carrier and headed for the vet hoping she'd survive the 25-30 minute trip.

She weakened as we traveled, I kept calling her name. She was weakening and becoming unresponsive. I called again and again. She tried with all she had to crawl to the cage door so I could touch her, her meow was getting weaker.

We made it right when they opened. The tech felt her feet, they were cold. I noticed her gums were blue. They took her back for an x-ray... what seemed like forever they came and told me she was dying, due to the same thing that took Mr Zeepers. With him it was on a Friday night and we googled his symptoms and took him outside and mercifully put him down.

I thought I could do something to save Mia. She gave it all she had to survive. I'm afraid I let her suffer more than she should have endured. Hope is not always a great thing.

We had Scarlett, our wonderful black Labrador euthanized when she could have lived longer but the quality of her life was not worth extending. I felt it was the right decision. I felt putting Mr Zeepers down was the right decision. It saved him pain. They both lived great lives. Miss Kitty Kitty was a shocker in that she had shallow breathing one day and I took her to the vet figuring we'd get some antibiotics and be on our way home. They x-rayed her and 3/4's of her chest cavity was filled with something, She would not survive. It too was a Friday and lab results would not be back until Monday and the vet said she would not survive until then. So Kitty Kitty was euthanized mercifully on the spot.

The losses have been piling up in less than two years, we've lost three beloved feline pets and one best ever canine best friend.

I feel they all loved me and showed their appreciation in their unique ways. I loved them with a heart that now feels an emptiness in their spaces.

It was about the time of Anita's Myasthenia Gravis diagnosis that I felt Mama wasn't going to make it through to the end of the year. To prepare myself and feeling it would free some time and attention to caring for Anita and meet the upcoming needs of her aging parents.

But it was Mia. 

I didn't see this one coming and its been that way with all three cats. I'd always been a dog person before I met Anita. Dog's age like people and you know they're closing in on the end of their lives.

Cat's seem to have a different course of action. That's my lesson.

Love em while you got em. Every last thing. Be appreciative. Cherish all of it. Process and grow.

 ❤ RIP MIA ❤

❤❤ Until we meet at the Rainbow Bridge ❤❤

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End of an (BE)Era - Gluten-Free Jesus

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It's amazing how much better I'm feeling these days.

I'm a bit embarrassed to say that despite numerous health issues, I didn't take much action. But when I saw a photo of me from a night out with friends... Vanity and Ego immediately replaced Apathy with Pro-Activity.

As a result,
My BP has reduced to healthy normal levels.
My weight is dropping in a healthy manner.
My clothes fit better.
My sleeping is better.
My skin issues are gone or on the way out.
My mental attitude is improved.
My inflammation is gone.
My digestive system is better.

I'll bet my cholesterol levels have lowered as well.

Initially it was as simple as cutting out beer and bread.

I went further to avoid many carbs especially sugars. I switched to Stevia from Splenda.
I try to make everything I eat as raw and natural as possible rather than processed.
I added some coconut oil extract and honey to my coffee.

I've noticed that avoiding the fast burning energy foods like sweet fruits and breads can leave me low on energy unless I get enough slow burning protein in me. So I keep a bag of nuts in the car and plenty of water.

I started drinking herbal tea like roasted dandelion which is great for a liver cleanse.

I'm not following any particular diet like Paleo which excludes grains  but it is similar to the low carb parts of the Keto and Candida diets.

Speaking of low carb...

So the other day I go to church with my wife and it happens to be communion day. Well this particular church does communion full on with an actual broken loaf of bread and real wine poured in a chalice.

So, when the lady pastor arrives I inform her that I need the Gluten-Free Jesus today. She popped me in the arm and told me to sit down.

But, sure enough, when I faced her with the broken loaf and wine, she said, "David, this is Gluten Free Jesus' body, take and eat and this is the blood He has poured out for you, take and drink. Do this in remembrance of Him."

She brought a smile to my face, joy to my heart and likely some hope for my soul. Something organized religion rarely does for me anymore.

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Learning by Observing - What You See is What You Get

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I'm thinking back to how I learned to do things. I watched sports on TV and then went and participated by joining little league baseball and football teams. I don't remember the coaches actually teaching us anything. They'd make us exercise and practice and improve the basic skills we already had. We learned to play by watching it on TV and seeing the older kids play before we were old enough. 

I played some basketball but didn't have the height to compete and there were no little league teams. I excelled at ping pong and the only experience I had with it was watching and being fascinated by the Chinese' dominance in the Olympic games.

I played golf because I had to caddy for my Dad while he honed the skills to his passion. We watched it on television. We had golf magazines around the house and a tarp in the garage to hit balls into in the winter when the local courses were closed.

So, we're born with a skill set like good hand and eye coordination, athleticism and we pursue what opportunities exist in the areas where we have interest. We learn on our own through trial and error. We get better with practice. We build confidence as we hone our skills.

As I aged, it seemed my peers grew into young men and the girls into young women while I remained like a child. I was a late bloomer physically. So I found my self excelling at individual sports like ping pong and golf where I placed high in local competitions.

Well as we all age, there comes a time when we begin to explore our sexuality and again, no one teaches us about it. We learn by observing and through experimentation. Our curiosity leads us to find what we like and the feedback we receive lets us know what we're already good at and what we need to practice. I think we all want positive feedback. We want to be good at things. We want to be desired. We want to feel good about ourselves.

Lately, I've been wanting to read more than usual, which is very little. The only other time I really wanted to read was when I was incarcerated. I wanted and needed to be somewhere else. Books helped me with that. At times I'd have three books at a time. One I was finishing up, one I was just getting into and one on deck. I read more in an eighteen month period than all my life prior and since combined. As well as listened to a few radio programs that for me, achieved a similar escape.

So why am I wanting to read more now? 

I often find myself contemplating and reflecting on life as I am busy with other things like cutting the grass or cooking. Often I awaken from a dream and with a song in my head that's relative to the dream.

This morning the song was "Wrecking Ball."

The dream was about my first wife, whom for thirty six years I thought was the mother of my one and only child, but through DNA this year found it to not be so. 

As I went through my morning routine of feeding the cats, turning on the lights, fireplace and coffeemaker I realized that she, my first wife had been pregnant three times in the span of two years. None of them mine.

She was three months pregnant (by a friend of mine) when I married her . When that child was about one and a half years old, she was pregnant again but had an abortion (claiming it was mine but it was a completely different guy from the first, a friend of her's). This tossed our marriage into a tailspin and we separated for six months. When she got pregnant by another guy (third guy), I'd had enough and we divorced.

I woke up feeling like a victim. And I thought, who grows up wanting to be a victim? How'd I become that?

I began thinking of other things that happened over the course of my life and I saw a pattern of being victimized. Why? I thought about them and could not find the nexus for the individual events that would warrant revenge or anything of that nature.

What I discovered, the epiphany was that, just as I wrote about at the beginning of this post, I learned to be a victim by observing.

I was raised by a victim.

We all identify with one of our parents more than the other. According to Dr. Phil the same gender parent is the biggest influence in our lives. I believe I was more of a Mama's boy.

Had I identified more with my father I likely would have been an abuser. (I was and I abused me)

She was a victim. I'd seen her with black eyes and bruises. I'd watched her cry and listened to the violence on the other side of the bedroom door. I'd been a victim of the violence at my father's hands and witnessed a sibling suffer similar who then in turn victimized me with his dysfunctional frustrations mentally and physically.

There are things that have never left my memory that I've always wondered why they happened to me at the hands of what I considered friends and family.

I have to conclude that as much as my golf swing was identical to my dad's due to keen observation, that my ability to be victimized was honed in a similar fashion by keen observation of my mother.

There's another saying by Dr. Phil that past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. 

I'm currently reading Heavy - An American Memoir

In this powerful and provocative memoir, genre-bending essayist and novelist Kiese Laymon explores what the weight of a lifetime of secrets, lies, and deception does to a black body, a black family, and a nation teetering on the brink of moral collapse.

But we grow up and we realize how foolish we've been and at some point we have to adjust our behavior if we want better results.

And at this revelation, do we burn the bridges? Do we forgive and forget? How do we move on when there are triggers and pain that lurk with further observations. 

But I'll save that topic for a future post.

2v1 Predictability.

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I've previously blogged about a couple of days while in the Marine Corps titled "Bad day part one" and "Bad day part two."  Today's title, "2v1 Imagine" is about MG. Myasthenia Gravis, an incurable autoimmune disease which my wife is diagnosed with.
Bottom line, with MG you need 2 down/restful days to have one full/eventful day, at best.

From the outside looking in, a living with / caretaker views Anita as being fully capable of handling her own affairs. And if there were no other option, she'd certainly find a way.

MG sufferers like any other battling some limiting force, find a way.

It's not necessarily debilitating but it is requiring of major adjustment.

There is something you want to plan to attend. You look at the calendar and you begin to understand with a bit of experience with MG that you must employ a 2v1 tactic.

You have to plan on a day of rest before and a day of rest after the date you plan a day out and about.

Now imagine you have the need to work, to earn income to put food on the table and pay the rent.

We're not in that situation, yet many are.

I'm sharing what Anita is sharing.

We are learning. This is a journey.

It'd be nice to believe that this is the new normal.

But we really don't know and it may be that we'll never know.

Yet all we really seek is  predictability.

Time after Time a True Friend

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I'm cutting the grass today, all the racket blocks the varying thoughts in my bipolar mind and I'm able to just let thoughts flow in a cohesive manner. Ralph Moore had and evidently still has an impact on my life.

He introduced me to Jesus and though contact has been rare over the course of the last 32 years, the influence is still there. Because I trust Ralph Moore. I trust the Jesus in him.

I'd been married three times prior and would have it no other way than what I thought was the formula for the right way for a change than to fly from the east cost to Hawaii to be married by Ralph to my new love (celebrating 13 years together 11 married and life has never been better.)

My beliefs took a 180. I just can't handle the OT God killing, the discrepancies in the NT and today's political evangelical climate, so I tossed the baby out with the bath water. I always admitted Jesus changed my life I just didn't buy the deity. I see it as a stepping stone. Being set free from the system the church has become in my eyes. I see secular views and the rule of law better serving society.

This year I've found out through DNA my 36 year old one and only son is not my son. He was fathered by a friend. We maintain the friendship.

My wife has been diagnosed with an incurable rare autoimmune disease (Myasthenia Gravis). We visited the ER three times in a month and I had to administer CPR to her for 20 minutes on our living room floor while twice I watched her eyes roll back in her head, her lips turn blue and thoughts of losing her flooded my mind.

My wife and Ralph are the best examples of Jesus I've ever encountered. Christ in them are my anchors. I can remember verbatim, sermons from 30+ years ago by Ralph. My wife has allowed me the room to toss my beliefs even though they were strong in bringing us together, having formed a water purification ministry to Ghana West Africa early on.

But my love and admiration for her and hers for me carries on. It strengthens as we appreciate and reciprocate and wholly accept one another.

I don't know or believe that Jesus is God. But I remember a sermon where Ralph said that we were marked, a deposit had been made and one where he spoke of an anchor for boats off the coast near the Rock of Gibraltar, using the metaphor for Jesus and how he wanted Hope Chapel to be like that anchor. I do believe him still. That the deposit made, regardless of what I accept today as truth or fact, is intact. That it would never be withdrawn in my doubt.

Thank you Ralph, even though some times (often) I scoff at your endless efforts to plant churches in this mad mad world. I believe you're what you've wanted to be. A vessel of an anchor of Hope. A steadfast Influence. A true Friend.

2 Corinthians 1:21-22

Now He who establishes us with you in Christ and anointed us is God, who also sealed us and gave us the Spirit in our hearts as a pledge.  

Tests of Love, what's in your heart?

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What's the ultimate test to determine how much you value a relationship?

I know from experience that taking a long car ride early in a relationship can be a good test I'd highly recommend for everybody. Fortunately my experience was a positive one.

What about infidelity? I've been on both sides of that coin previously as well. You can make it through either way but in the long run, karma's a bitch.

What about strained finances? We didn't have two nickles to rub together when we met.

Long distance? We did that for four years.

Jealousy?

Sex?

Ex?

There's certainly a plethora of issues that can crop up along the way in a relationship.

And if you've taken the vows, for richer - for poorer, in sickness and in health... how much do they mean, really?

How far will you go with taking over the parental position in caring for your aging parent(s)? With they share your home? Will you change their diapers?

What about your spouse? That closest of relationships can flip like a light switch with a tragic life event.

Let me tell you, initially you'll just react. You can't grasp the big picture so you do what's needed in the moment, moment to moment until the pieces of the puzzle start revealing the scenery beyond the front porch.

When you're able to exhale and close your eyes and relax just enough to let some emotion flow... your mind can swirl and feel overwhelmed.

So you ask yourself, is this what I signed up for?
Yes.

Is this what I hoped for?
No.

Is this fair?
Doesn't matter, life isn't fair.

And you make a decision. The same one when you decided to go all in. There's no turning back. You've stepped over the line.
You will not back up
give up or
shut up.

You are in LOVE. And through LOVE you will give until you feel like you can't give any more and you will dig deeper to find the energy to press on. You will do this over and over again, growing further in LOVE than you ever imagined. You'll never make the journey alone, not while breath cycles through your lungs and blood pumps through your veins.

When the LOVE of your life doesn't have the strength, you will do it all. You will be their strength.

And when the light appears at the end of the tunnel, on this journey to a new normal, you'll recharge and ride nearer your destination without slip sliding away.

Tragedy brings new levels of existence. We adapt, we over come. New plateaus, places previously  thought unobtainable. Places never even conceived, beyond wonderful.

It's difficult to think words like, "I'm glad we've had this struggle."  We've come through things not uncommon to many and we've rolled right on down the track towards one another. This one has brought us even closer. A new perspective. Not a full paradigm shift, but a deeper almost eternal thing. As though it was but a reflection and now I see fully. Face to face, with the greatest... LOVE.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is Love.

Life in the key of A

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I've traveled with Anita west to east from Hawaii to Ghana and north to south from Alaska to the Caribbean.

It's definitely been an Adventure.

This journey with Myasthenia Gravis is quite the journey with Anita.
I've been the Kite and she's been the String keeping me tethered, grounded and calm.

Now I function to rein her in so as not to over do and cause an MG crisis. She can get to feeling good, a most welcome change to the past month of complete anguish over physical struggles and nearly depleted hope. But the curtain has been lifted and with light at the end of the tunnel, she's raring to go, when able.

It's a battlefield of the mind. As Jill Bolte Taylor explains, we're responsible for the energy we bring into a room. Attitude is everything.

Optimistic can do attitudes believe and hope for a better future while Accepting the current circumstance.

Acknowledging that the road is not going to be smooth, but navigable nonetheless.

All the Answers are not readily Apparent but we can embrace the mystery and cling to one another through the valleys and celebrate the bright sunny days.

There are times when you'll feel overwhelmed like an Avalanche is Attacking you from every direction. Your emotions can wash over you like tidal waves and your thoughts can turn dark.

It can be quite difficult observing the love of your life endure such an onslaught. The once vibrant strength waning under it's pressure. Wearing you down and stealing your hope.

It can be, but the proper response is to fight it. Refuse to give it a foothold. Step into the ring and fight for the weakened one. Stand in the way, encourage, deflect the negativity.

Ask not what your doctors can do for you. Ask what you can do for your doctors.

Act or behave your way to success.

There is nothing you can not Achieve.

There is no thing that is good that is not Accessible.

Anita Tarlton is the most wonderful human I've ever known. She is dealing with limitations to features that are at the very essence of her.

She's always been stoic and now she's emotional.
She's always been a communicator and now it fatigues her.
She's always been crafty and now it saps her strength.
She's always been an eater and now chewing is laborious.
She's always been adventurous and now she's slowed down.
She's always been a singer and now she's a whisperer.

Her words, her Ability to write in a style that takes you there has not diminished.
Her loving heart has not disappeared.
Her Appreciation of others has not dissipated.
Her life is Adapting to a new normal.

She is my All. She is the one I Admire most. I lover her Always in All ways.

She is, my wonderful life, in the key of A

---

MG a Tragedy or a Love story

 ---

As the world stops turning for no one, ours has certainly skewed it's axis and the wobble effect is casting ripples across the previously normal of our lives.

We've been to the ER three times in 30 days and I've watched my wife transform from a healthy 61 year old vibrant woman to what on the outside appeared to be a 91 year old decrepit old lady.

Bringing us to her amazing bounce back to a new normal at 61 again. It's been a roller coaster ride and she alludes to with her brilliant writing skills on her blog The Silver Lining .

I'd encourage you to follow along as she describes what dealing with Myasthenia Gravis is like from within, on her blog.

For me, I've been dealing with getting letters from a doctor to support the legitimate need to have cancelled a flight Anita was due to take but was obviously unable. Filing for an appeal of a denial of coverage by the insurance company because incompetent resident neurologist students failed to annotate a positive response to medication. Acquiring needed health support items like a bipap breathing machine, oxygen tanks for the house and travel to appointments, emergency resuscitation equipment, prescriptions and making sure they're administered on time. Keeping healthy food available in a mechanically soft diet. Emergency information cards for EMT's, prescription lists, allergies, known diagnoses and following up on requested referrals to more competent neurologists.

And I can finally exhale.

Amid all the turmoil of the past six weeks, Anita and I have grabbed a hold of each other like we're floating in an eddy that's getting stronger as it nears the edge of a water fall. There were times when both of us considered the worst. But we mustered the strength, with the help of a couple of competent doctors to find our way to dry land again and have been catching our breath ever since. Our precious, precious breaths, always together, our breaths.

Our eyes have spoken volumes when there was insufficient muscle power available to draw enough air to speak. We've texted and emailed and shed quiet tears and little chuckles, trying not to waste life sustaining energy.  One such exchange via text message demonstrates the love story beautifully.

I've seen people wearing shirts that reflected their support for things like sports teams. I always ask them to, "show me your ink." We can take a shirt or jacket off and they wear out and get tossed. I don't find that particularly convincing.

But if you're convinced and committed, come hell or high water...

No matter what life throws at you...

You never doubt, 

you never fear. 

You just endure.

The first day date out for anything other than a doctor's appointment.

She's the love of my life.

She makes my heart flutter.

I said I do and I meant it

---

It's been an adventurous month with three trips to the Emergency Room with my wife in the clutches of a life threatening Myasthenia Gravis Crisis. It's like watching a loved one drowning, gasping for air.  The last incident found us on the living room floor together with her face pale, lips turning blue and eyes rolling back in her head while I'm trying to resuscitate her. She regained consciousness and faded again and further efforts brought her back again.

It was an incredible adrenaline rush and I beat the emergency squad to the hospital by 12 minutes. It has also turned out to be quite a bonding event. She's extremely thankful and appreciative and I know she'd do the same for me. We live by appreciate and reciprocate. I told her she'd have to fight harder than that to get away from me.

It reminds me of a scene from one of my favorite movies, The Matrix, in which Neo saves Trinity.

Please take a moment to watch this video clip.

To me, the bullet that hits Trinity is the disease of Myasthenia Gravis trying to take the life of my wife and on my watch it's going to face a battle with me. It may weaken her but it's got more than her to contend with.

She is indeed an MG Warrior 

and we're thankful for the team of Dr's helping in their areas of expertise, the many friends who've offered help and kindnesses along the way. The various medications and finally making it to the best MG Clinic in the country at Duke University has brought a psychological victory that is relieving symptoms immediately. There's light at the end of the tunnel.

I've been in a state of hypervigilance for Anita's every breath, every swallow. I'm feeling I can relax a bit. We're learning the signs and symptoms of when to slow down and that there will be good and bad days.

But together we'll make it to a new normal. 

A reasonable quality of life.

---

On a personal note, I looked in the mirror last night after washing my face and for the first time in decades, I appreciated what I saw. I feel like I'm seeing what I've wanted to be. I feel like I was tested and I've demonstrated my mettle. It feels good.

met·tle

ˈmedl/

noun

1. a person's ability to cope well with difficulties or to face a demanding situation in a spirited and resilient way.

   
   

   "the team showed their true mettle in the second half"

   
   

   synonyms:

   spirit, fortitude, strength of character, moral fiber, steel, determination, resolve, resolution, backbone, grit, true grit, courage, courageousness, bravery, valor, fearlessness, daring; ---

I said "I DO" and I meant it. In the good times and bad. In sickness and health, for richer for poorer. I was absolutely euphoric when the Pastor said I present you newlyweds David and Anita.

I'd sleep on the floor like a dog next to Anita with one ear open for her breathing and one eye open for anything that can harm her. I can't find sufficient words to describe all that she is to me.
I know how she was feeling when we met and I know how she feels now and that, makes me feel successful and happy in a healthy way.

---

Does Love Know No Bounds?

---

I've blogged previously about all you need is love. I've long questioned what is TRUTH?
Anita and I are going through a tumultuous storm that life has thrown at us and I will neither blame a deity for the disaster that Myasthenia Gravis is or thank a deity for the progress made with the treatments endured. I trust in science.

Ahhh but Love... Love is the answer regardless of the final outcome. 

I have found, within me, strength to endure and serve the one that I love more than any other ever, with all I have to give.

I have the ability to catch a second wind. I have to ability to go sleepless and press on. I have the ability and the duty to do everything possible to make Anita's life the best it can possibly be.

We learned a lot during a week's stay in the hospital. We questioned everything and were often frustrated when we didn't get satisfactory answers if an answer at all. There is nothing more frustrating than seeing a loved one suffer. You want immediate relief to their suffering and your own anguish.

Here we are, please fix this and do it now!

In hind sight, a lot of it is understandable. It just wasn't easy to endure the eye of the storm.

Love wants to take the pain and suffering from the loved one enduring it and cast it upon our self.

I may not believe in deities and despise organized religion, but in my experience with it, I feel that it was a stepping stone to a higher place.  Some have remarked I must have never truly known the love of their savior.  What I've known and retained is that I was led to it to be set free from it. And the single most significant issue at it's core is love.

Not grace.

That would require accepting guilt and shame for being born human.

And that love can indeed conquer all.
That love is the answer.
That love seeks not it's own, is kind and self sacrificing.

Though love is perfect, our ego tends to over do it and often hinder the desired result. Like a hovering parent. Or like me... food is one of my love languages and if you leave it to me, rather than just satiate you, I'll subject you to a possibility of diabetes, high blood pressure, obesity or worse.

Mature love knows bounds. Mindless love knows no bounds. I could easily do nearly everything for Anita and slow her recovery. I'd literally spoon feed her and then carry her to the bathroom if she needed it or allowed me to. (BTW, it's amazing how quick she can move without a cane when she's gotta go!)

It's a journey, this thing we call life and the best years of my nearly sixty years have been since I met Anita.  Two months ago we were traipsing around the streets of the French Quarter with good friends. Today we battle circumstances you'd never wish upon anyone.

Love will give us the strength to endure. Love will draw us closer than ever amid the chaos. Love will win irregardless of the distance or the outcome.

Thank you love. Thank you for encouraging people to have passion to find solutions to what makes people suffer.

I've said it before and I'll say it forever, "Anita is the most wonderful person I've ever known." That sparks the desire in me, the love in me to be all I can be and do all I can do, to make her life experience better.

I'll succeed at knowing I matter and made a difference for the better, in my life because of the boundless love and bound love I have for her.

The road less traveled

--
 Here we are venturing down a road we'd not seen before and thus far it's quite an adventure. We made a new frenemy who at times is kind and at others is downright rude. Myasthenia Gravis can be rude, crude and socially unacceptable.


Myasthenia gravis is a chronic autoimmune neuromuscular disease characterized by varying degrees of weakness of the skeletal (voluntary) muscles of the body. The name myasthenia gravis, which is Latin and Greek in origin, literally means "grave muscle weakness."

---

This is from a posted comment to a video by an MG patient online.

Myasthenia Gravis is a lot of things but one thing it is not is a "mind over matter" disease. It is a disease that will bless you and mock you. It's your constant companion. Sometimes your companion will be blessedly quiet and sometimes your companion will be like that Facebook stalker that doesn't know the meaning of "leave me alone!!".

MG, like all autoimmune disease, is not a mountain to be conquered by willpower but to be studied and respected for what it can be and understood for what it is in your own life. For some, MG will be a mild hindrance to push beyond. For others, it will be a constant enemy. Denying what MG is or can be only serves to perpetuate a stigma that shames and silences it's sufferers into isolation and defeat, the very opposite of its positive attempt. It is very possible that your reality looks very different from someone else's. Be careful that your attempt to be prodigious in positive thinking about a very real and harmful disease does not quell someone else's very desperate need to find a place to reconcile themselves to their new and extremely frightening reality.

MG will be many things to many people and that is wondrous in and of itself but it should never be placed in this box of "things to conquer" as if sheer willpower is enough to weaken its grip. Yes, it is essential to survival and our thriving to understand that the power of our thoughts holds a great key in the success or failure of our fight. However, it is not the only key and it begs to be used correctly. So be careful to give MG its due respect and never assume that someone's effort (physically, mentally, emotionally) is an implication of their outcome.

--

So we've been busy researching the unknown to find some kind of calm amid the fear of the unknown. What to expect. All of life from diet, exercise, medications, alcohol, mental outlook, sex, relationships, vacations etc is affected. It's a snowflake disease that affects each one afflicted differently to varying degrees.

A new norm is being sought and found. Each new hurdle is a challenge we tackle together. Some of the mental gymnastics we tackle alone from our different perspectives of having the ailment and caring for someone with the ailment. But we communicate openly and directly about all things.

A love letter I wrote on 11/08/2017

If corporations cut down all the forests of the earth and our supply of oxygen was soon gone, I'd remember all the breaths I had with you and all the times just looking at you, watching you move the way you do, how it took my breath away, realizing that I matter as much to you, as you do to me.

You've filled my heart with the most satisfying feelings that I cannot escape, no matter how bad I try to feel about something happening in this world or an uninvited but too often entertained inheritance.

You're the rock, the anchor, my soft place to land, where my heart returns to from gusts on high.

You're the one that makes every heightened experience lacking, all it can and should be, until it is shared with you. 

I'm thankful for the breaths you take, the breaths I'm given from the forests and mostly for the breaths we share.

---

* I want to make a note here to remind readers of the profile info on this blog. It is my perspective, my living out loud. It represents nothing else.